Everyday Ends in a Why
Hey, everyone. Welcome to the Pleasure Years, my brand new podcast where we're serving up real talk, hot tips, and a whole lot of love for your sex life after 50. I am your host, Renee Yvonne, the gen sexologist, and I'm here to remind you that pleasure never gets old. So this is something I say a lot, sometimes when I'm talking to people. I'm like, yeah, you know, we do that on every day that ends in a why, or yeah, I'm not gonna do that on any day that ends in a why.
Renée Yvonne:You ever noticed that every single day of the week ends in a why? But I'm not talking about the calendar right now. I'm talking about the why in your love life. I want you to think about this for a second. Why are you where you are in your relationship?
Renée Yvonne:Why aren't you having as much intimacy and sex as you want? And why are you settling for less than the most pleasure that you can handle? You know what? Here at the Pleasure Years, we're not about settling. We're about taking action, getting answers, and living our juiciest lives ever.
Renée Yvonne:So go ahead. Grab a drink. Get comfy, and let's dive in. Because today, I'm giving you the ultimate pleasure prescription to start questioning your why and rewriting your love story. So first, let's talk about this.
Renée Yvonne:First question, why are you where you are in your relationship? Sometimes, life just happens. Right? Life be life in. It could be careers.
Renée Yvonne:Maybe you're moving up. You got a new job. Like, I just recently got a new job, and it's been kinda busy. Right? Or recently, last month, things were hectic.
Renée Yvonne:I had decided to run for a local office here at advisory neighborhood commission, and my day was packed. I go to work, I get off work, I go out and campaign. It was insane. And so sometimes, life is just life in, as I said. Maybe you're a caregiver.
Renée Yvonne:Us, gen x ers, we are the sandwich generation. Sometimes we're still raising kids, but we also have aging parents at the same time. And so maybe you're caregiving for both, and at the end of the day, you don't have anything left to give to your partner. And you don't wanna be in that situation, but sometimes it just happens. Right?
Renée Yvonne:It could be a health situation. In April, I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. It's an autoimmune disease. And there are days I wake up and literally can't move my arm or I can't move my shoulder. Sometimes my knees are hurting.
Renée Yvonne:And it's just painful. And when you're in pain, it's hard to think about, yeah, I'm trying to get in this position and and back it on up. No. I'm trying to get some Motrin and lay on down. Right?
Renée Yvonne:And so sometimes it's your health that's keeping you from having this this sexy life that you want. Sometimes it's just a routine. We just get into a rut. Right? You go to work.
Renée Yvonne:You come home. You cook dinner. You eat. You sit on the sofa. You watch, you know, couple episodes of lawn at order SBU.
Renée Yvonne:It's time to go to bed. You go to sleep, you wake up, and you do the whole thing over again every single day. And suddenly, you look over and your partner, your lover is becoming your roommate. And that's not what you want. Right?
Renée Yvonne:That's not what you signed up for. But the reason that happens sometimes is because we stop asking the hard questions because it's easier to avoid. Right? It's easier to just say, well, you know, you don't wanna ask us. It could turn into an argument or I don't know how it's gonna go.
Renée Yvonne:But I'm gonna challenge you. I'm gonna give you a why challenge. Ask yourself, why do I feel disconnected from my partner, and why am I afraid to talk about what I need? That why is gonna be the doorway to better communication into deeper intimacy between the 2 of you. So here's your pleasure prescription.
Renée Yvonne:Start with a connection check-in. What does that mean? Set aside 15 minutes this week and ask each other, what do you miss about us? And what's one thing you love more of in our relationship? Now this is a chance to open up, not argue.
Renée Yvonne:So don't go in there like, I sure wish you would do this and then maybe I wanna do it more, or I wish you do what I told you to do and then we could do this more. That's not what this is about. This is about saying, you know what? I miss us holding hands. I miss us going out.
Renée Yvonne:I miss you kissing me passionately before I go to work. Now I just get little pecks. I miss those things. I miss you hugging me. And say those things to your partner because they probably miss it too, and they've forgotten what it was like to have that.
Renée Yvonne:Okay? The second why, why aren't you having more sex and intimacy? Now this could be because you're in some type of sexual rut syndrome. And this can happen. Life's responsibilities can puts make sex feel like an afterthought.
Renée Yvonne:Your caregiving, your your doing your career, your health is whatever, you're in a routine, and you're like, you know what? I'm just trying to go to bed right now. I'm I'm sex, we'll get to it one day. And that can happen. Right?
Renée Yvonne:It can happen to men and women. We can get tired, feel bad, whatever, and it just gets put on the back burner. And so it starts to feel like an afterthought. And it's not so much that you've lost desire. It's that the conditions that we've set up don't nurture that desire.
Renée Yvonne:So when you're feeling bad or you're taking care of other people, those conditions don't say sexy. Right? They say tired. And you get into tired mode, and you can't seem to get into the sexy desire mode again. And so what we have to do is take a pause, a pleasure pause, and ask yourself, what is turn what turns me on now, and has that changed?
Renée Yvonne:What turned us on at 30 or even 40? May not be the thing that turns us on at 50. And so maybe your desire has changed. Maybe you've been doing the same thing the same way for a while, and that worked. It was okay.
Renée Yvonne:But now you're like, I really wanna try something different. I wanna try a new toy. I wanna try a different position. I wanna try a different space. I wanna do it in the car, in the kitchen.
Renée Yvonne:I'm tired of the bed. Maybe that's what needs to happen, and that's okay. It's okay for you to change and evolve because we're we're humans and that's what humans do. So here's your pleasure prescription. Ask yourself I'm sorry.
Renée Yvonne:Here's your pleasure prescription. You're gonna do a desire discovery date. You're gonna plan a date night that has zero expectations for sex, but full permission to flirt, touch, and play. That doesn't mean it can't turn into sex. It means that the goal of this isn't sex.
Renée Yvonne:The goal is, let's just rediscover what turns us on, what makes us feel desired and wanted by our partner. For a little extra info, try a different space in your house. If you always do it in the bed, try it on the sofa. Try it in the car. Try it in the garage.
Renée Yvonne:Do it in the kitchen. Do it in the shower. Try a different space. Go to a hotel room. Sometimes, what you need to do is just rearrange your bedroom.
Renée Yvonne:If your bedroom has been the same way for the last 5, 6 years, switch the bed around. Just turn it 90 degrees. Sometimes, that could make a huge difference. You're like, wow. This is a whole different view over here.
Renée Yvonne:You know, add in some mood lighting, add in some candles, fresh flowers, mood music, something that brings the desire out of you. We can't just expect it to happen. Hollywood has us believing that desire just magically appears whenever 2 people in a room, but that's not true. Sometimes you have to actually build that desire up so that it actually happens. Right?
Renée Yvonne:And then, use some sexy text throughout the day. Set your partner up. Set each other up to get excited about it. Send them some little naughty note, like, I can't wait to see you tonight. You know, add your little twist in there, and don't do something where your partner's like, who is this?
Renée Yvonne:You never say that word. Right? But add something in that feels like you, so that when you send it, they're like, okay. Alright. They're serious tonight.
Renée Yvonne:Right? It doesn't have to be nude pictures, but it could be. If your partner has a foot fetish, send a picture of your well manicured foot to them. If they have a cleavage fetish, send a picture of that. Show them the the lingerie you're gonna put on, the meal you're about to cook, what the bedroom looks like.
Renée Yvonne:Get them amped up so that when they get to you, the desire's already built. And then number 3, why are you settling for less than you deserve? Sometimes we get caught in in what's called the good enough trap. Right? Sometimes, definitely in work, we've said this before, sometimes we can let perfection be the enemy of the good enough or the good or whatever.
Renée Yvonne:And sometimes we get into that trap just throughout life. Like, sometimes things just need to do, like, let's just get this done and move on. But sometimes we do that in our love life. And it's like, you know, I I kinda want more than just good enough. Right?
Renée Yvonne:And it's not that you're not grateful for what you have, because sometimes people feel like that, like, oh, you know, we've been together for a while. This is just how it is now. You know, we're 40. You know, this is this is just how it's gonna be. That doesn't have to be that way.
Renée Yvonne:It doesn't mean that you're complaining. It doesn't mean that you're unhappy. It means that we have to believe that more as possible. That because we're a certain age doesn't mean that we can't stop enjoying each other and in and experiencing that pleasure. And so what we have to do in a situation like this is reframe how we think about getting older, but also about pleasure.
Renée Yvonne:Sometimes we're so focused on the sex, the actual act of sex, right, that we forget that there's a whole thing called pleasure there. And you that is your birthright. It's not a luxury. It's not like, oh, it'd be nice to have one thing. No.
Renée Yvonne:It is your birthright. Your body is filled with thousands of nerve endings, all designed for you to feel an amazing way. Think about when you get a a massage or if you get into a nice hot shower after a long day at work or somebody gives you a foot massage, things that you smell. Somebody makes a meal that you love and you're like, oh, so glad I don't have to cook. Think about those things that bring you a lot of joy and pleasure.
Renée Yvonne:That is your birthright. You deserve to feel pleasure. Right? And there's no reason for settling for, like, just a little bit of pleasure because you deserve the whole buffet. You deserve it all.
Renée Yvonne:Your whole body is dying to be felt in different ways and touched in different ways and experienced all of your senses in different ways. So don't let that go by. So here's your pleasure prescription. I want you to do a pleasure audit. And what does that mean?
Renée Yvonne:It means write down what brings you joy and pleasure, not just in sex, but in life. Think about this. Did you used to do salsa dancing or African dance? You don't do it anymore? Why not?
Renée Yvonne:Do you love to cook a sumptuous meal, a great dessert, but you don't have time anymore? Every time you look up, you're running through McDonald's? Why did you stop? Did you love to get massages every month, and then you just don't get them anymore? Did you enjoy playing golf or pickleball, and you just don't anymore?
Renée Yvonne:What happened? Go back and think about the things that brought you pleasure. And ask yourself, why am I not doing that anymore? Why am I settling for just this is enough? Alright?
Renée Yvonne:And I want you to choose one thing this this week to work on, whether it's communicating your needs, exploring a sexual fantasy, or just taking time for yourself. Find a way to bring some pleasure back into your life. Okay? So pleasure seekers, let's recap. Everyday is in a why, and everyday is an opportunity to ask yourself why.
Renée Yvonne:Why are you where you are in your relationship? Why aren't you having more sex and intimacy? And why are you settling for less than the pleasure that you deserve? Here's the great news. You don't have to stay stuck in that realm.
Renée Yvonne:You just don't. You don't have to do that. So with a little curiosity and some of these pleasure prescriptions, you can start changing your story today, tomorrow, or whatever why day you choose. And, hey, if you're ready to go a step further, I wanna invite you to something. I just started a new group called the Pleasure Palace.
Renée Yvonne:It's on a platform called School. It's a membership group that is free to join where we're gonna dive into all things intimacy, particularly for gen xers and baby boomers. I wanna talk about all of those things that we're dealing with, from menopause to erectile dysfunction, medication that's causing certain issues. How do we get the pleasure back? How are we dealing with caregiving?
Renée Yvonne:I wanna talk about sexless relationships and starting over after divorce or the loss of a loved one. Let's talk about that because people aren't talking about it to us. They've just, like, forgotten us. Right? They're like, whatever.
Renée Yvonne:We're dealing with Gen z right now and alpha babies. What about us? Okay? So I wanna give us that safe space to talk about that. And this is the place we're gonna do it.
Renée Yvonne:The magic is gonna happen there, and I love to see you there in that space. So I wanna thank you for spending some time with me today. Don't forget to subscribe and share this episode with someone you care about, and please leave a review. It's like giving me a virtual hug. Okay?
Renée Yvonne:And until next time, I'm Renee Yabond, the gen sexologist. And remember, pleasure never gets old. Stay sexy, my friends. Talk to you later. Bye.
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